


Look at me

by ShinMeiko



Series: What if multiverse [19]
Category: Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 07:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26469334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinMeiko/pseuds/ShinMeiko
Summary: This year, Bram will make it out of the house and join his friends. Because in spite of everything, it hurts more to be away from Simon than around him. Even if Bram cannot tell him he is Blue and he is in love with him.Bram's POV of  'Chapter 58 - What if they were childhood friends?' in my 'what if' series.
Relationships: Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier
Series: What if multiverse [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1373731
Comments: 38
Kudos: 54





	Look at me

**Author's Note:**

> Other projects? What other projects?  
> At least this is a one-shot and I am not committing to anything more this time...

“Bram, you are being ridiculous. It’s raining. Why don’t you invite your friends to do this inside?”

“Mom, it’s tradition.”

“Yes, I understand that, but you’re not children anymore, you will survive spending time together indoors.”

“But it wouldn’t be the tradition.”

She sighs and looks at me like I am being difficult. “Bram, I can go to another room if that is the problem.”

“That is not the problem. There is no problem. Mom, I’m late, I just really want to go meet them. It’s not even raining, it’s… drizzling. Plus, you told me once that being in the rain doesn’t actually increase your chances of getting sick.”

“No. I said that being wet didn’t mean that you would get a cold. But if you are cold, it weakens your immune system and when it rains, it is easier for germs to be lifted from the ground and carrier into the air.” And then she gives me statistics. Statistics!

And I’m not saying that the science behind it isn’t interesting. I’m just saying that it isn’t interesting now, when I am already struggling to stick with my decision to go. It’s already going to be weird because I didn’t show last year.

As my mother keeps telling me how it is fine for teenagers to make ridiculous decisions, these ridiculous decisions shouldn’t be as ridiculous as spending time in the rain when we have an alternative, I think about why I skipped our yearly back to school picnic last year.

Actually, no. I can’t think about that right now. Because if I think about that right now, the same thing will happen. I will freeze by the window and just stare at them, not daring to go out like the coward that I am, terrified about what my crush turned into over time, mortified at the idea that Simon will be able to tell that I am in love with him.

That idea prevented me from making it to the garden last year. Nick asked me about it at soccer practice and Garrett covered for me, saying he was sorry but he needed me for something. Leah asked me later and I gave her the same excuse. Simon never asked. Because Simon doesn’t care.

I got the message loud and clear. We aren’t friends anymore. Not the way we used to. We smile, we laugh, we can have a chat, but we don’t care about each other. Except I do care and I probably always will.

But it was liberating in a way. It made me be (half)brave and post something online. I met Jacques. And for a little while, it was so liberating to be falling for someone who wasn’t Simon. Then Jacques was sounding more and more like Simon. I thought for sure that I was just seeing what I wanted to see. Especially since part of why I walked away from Simon was because it was too painful to be falling in love with Simon as he started dating Anna. I had been so sure that Simon could never return my feelings because Simon was straight. But I got too many proofs to keep ignoring the obvious. Simon and Jacques are the same person. And if Simon doesn’t like me, why would Jacques like Blue when he finds out that it’s just plain me?

I have however finally accepted my fate. No matter how much I try to walk away, I will find another way to fall in love with my childhood best friend. So I might as well go out there, try to ignore the pain of not being able to have him, and focus on the good feelings instead. There is always something warm, comforting, and yet thrilling about being close to Simon. Maybe that’s enough. I’m sure that alone can balance out the pain.

“Mom, I’m sorry. I love you but I’m going. And if I’m ill after this, you’ll be more than allowed to tell me that you told me so.”

“I will. At least, take an umbrella.”

“No, Mom, because I am finally not the boy-who-came-to-school-with-a-kidnapping-whistle anymore, I’m not letting you put me back in any sort of dorky spotlight for my senior year.”

“There are your four best friends and they love you enough not to judge you for being sensible.”

“Yeah… no.”

I grab the snacks and leave the house. I don’t know if they are still my best friends. That might be Garrett now. They probably don’t judge me though. But that doesn’t mean that they _love_ me, although I would give pretty much anything for one of them to do so…

Simon is the first one to see me and the smile on his face is incredible. As if he was wishing for me to be there.

“Hey! You’re late!” Leah cheers as if she had been waiting her entire life for me to be late to something.

I put the crisps on the table. “Sorry. My mom wanted to give me statistics about spending time in the wet. She wants us to take this inside.”

“What did you say?” Nick asks, looking at me like he did when I agreed to go to school with the whistle my Mom gave me.

“That we didn’t make Simon’s dad saw off the fences to take things inside.”

“Well said,” Leah approves as I sit down.

I feel both ashamed and annoyed that I didn’t come last year. I can’t believe this is the last time we’ll ever do this. I love hanging out here with my friends, over whatever is left of that poorly sawed section of fences. For our tradition or in general. I think I will always link it to happy summer days. To late-night talks. To going back to school excitement. To falling in love with Simon.

I nervously reach inside my pocket and put the packet of Oreos on the table before sliding it toward Simon. Like every year since we were eight. When I started having a crush on him, didn’t understand what it was and was just desperately trying to get him to like me more than Nick and Leah. Then in eighth grade, I realized what it was, got weirded out by it, suddenly didn’t know how to be around Simon anymore, completely ruined our friendship, and continued the tradition so it wouldn’t look weird, except it probably made it weirder, and I don’t even know if he likes it – if he wants Oreos, he can pretty much buy them any time…

I don’t think he cares that much because, like every year, he lets Leah just take them anyway.

As Leah literally chews on the proof that I like Simon more than he likes me – I knew that, I just don’t like having the proof in front of me – she casually says: “You weren’t here last year.”

She mentioned that regularly throughout the year. I don’t think she buys my story of hanging out with Garrett. Or, worse, she does, but she feels offended by it and I know how long she can hold a grudge. “I got caught up in things with Garrett,” I repeat, sticking to my story.

“Garrett has all the other days,” she replies politely (and it’s never a good sign when she sounds polite). “But today is ours.”

“Leave him alone,” Nick replies. He clearly is the most laid back of us all. Or maybe he cares less because we hang out at soccer, so he didn’t notice me pulling away as much as the others. Well… as much as Leah. Simon never showed any sign that he noticed nor cared when I started pulling away.

And I wished for him to stop me from doing that, to pull me back. Even if he didn’t, couldn’t share my crush, that he would make me stay in our friendship. But that didn’t happen. Maybe I imagined even our special bond back then.

“Or what? He’ll get offended and not show up next year? We won’t have a next year!” Thank God for Leah being sarcastic and keeping me from drowning in my single-sided ridiculous feelings.

Nick ignores her, changes the subject, and I feel like I dodged a bullet. Simon looks at me quizzically and I’m not sure what he is looking for. But he is looking at _me_ , specifically, on purpose, and it makes me feel more happy than self-conscious.

After that, everything is easy. In school, there is always Garrett, Anna, and Morgan, so it is different. I actually forgot how easy it was to be with just them. How could I forget? We pretty much grew up together. We are almost family. Even Simon (which I _absolutely do not consider family_ ), it’s easy. He soothes me more than he pains me. He makes me laugh more than he makes me sad. He makes me want to enjoy the present instead of regret the past. And isn’t all that worth being his friend in spite of the heartache?

When the drizzle turns into rain, I am not ready to let go of this moment. And, I swear it’s true, it’s not just about Simon. It’s this magic thing that happens when it’s us four that I haven’t experienced in two years because I was in full gay panic mode last year.

So I run back inside, grab the umbrellas in the entrance, my Mom shooting me a ‘why didn’t you listen the first time’ look, and run back out. We manage to stick them in the still standing parts of the fences to create a small shelter. Leah is a bit out of said shelter but she seems to enjoy holding her umbrella like an old fashioned sunshade.

We end up staying for another few hours, and I can’t say that I mind the way Simon looks at me. Like I saved the afternoon. It’s not love, but it still makes me feel worthy.

Like every time he looks at me.

Sometimes, though, I almost have the impression that he looks sad when he looks at me. I don’t know if it’s because he is nostalgic thinking of a time when we were younger, or if I somehow hurt his feelings when we stopped being friends. That second option would both be devastating and wonderful. On one hand, I don’t want to hurt Simon. On the other hand, it would mean that he still cares.

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Aug 11 at 7:56 PM

SUBJECT: Going back to school

Blue,

Are you ready for tomorrow? I’m sure you’re ready. I am picturing you with your school bag already made, brand new stationary, these year’s books already thoroughly read, your lunch already prepared…

Whereas I don’t even know where my second shoe is yet.

I can’t really picture how you feel about senior year, though. Are you eager? Stressed? Ready to be done with high school? Already nostalgic?

I was talking with some friends today and I realized that in a few months, we’re all going to go live our lives. That is the one thing I am truly nervous about: a future where my friends won’t need me anymore.

I don’t know if it’s pathetic or not…

Anyway. I’ll probably see you tomorrow, even if we won’t know it.

Love,

Jacques.

This is Simon, right? The way he phrases things, talking to his friends about the end of school…

If this isn’t Simon, it only shows that I will always want Simon more than anyone else, even one that is so close to perfection. But if this is Simon… should I go after him? Would he even want me? Would he have wanted me in eighth grade? Will he want me now that I practically ghost him for four years?

If this is Simon… how has he not connected the dots yet?

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Aug 11 at 8:15 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Going back to school

Jacques,

I am almost embarrassed to admit that, yes, everything is ready for tomorrow. Although… I have read a few books on the English curriculum, but I haven’t read textbooks. I am not that studious. Or nerdy. Or whatever word you want to put on that vision of me you created.

As for your shoe… How does one lose one shoe? And how lost is it? Do you have a list of places it could be and you haven’t checked, or have you checked and the shoe is still MIA?

About senior year… I’m all of it, I think? I am eager because the beginning of the year is always my favorite part. I am stressed because so much depends on this year. I am already nostalgic because I know that some things I used to have are gone already and that I might just start losing more as I get ready for the next step. I am however not ready to move on from high school. There are a few things I would like to be able to do before leaving.

And before you ask: yes, things to do with you. Tell you who I am. Come out to more than my parents and my best friend. Ask you to Prom. (And please, don’t answer that one. You’ll be allowed to answer, whether it is yes or no, when you know who I am and we know what we want.)

I don’t think your friends will suddenly not need you. It might happen with time, but there is a good chance that you will start not needing them too. You will start needing other people. Don’t you already have people that used to be close and now are friendly more than friends? I think it will be the same thing.

But I know what you mean. I hope it’s not pathetic because I am fearing the same thing.

If you want pathetic, I’ll give you pathetic: I have two fears. Telling you who I am. Not telling you who I am and waste time we could have had.

How much do you resent me for still wanting to remain anonymous?

And I’m sure we’ll see each other. We might even talk. Hopefully, it will be captivating.

Love,

Blue.

I don’t know why I keep pretending that I don’t know who he is. Although I technically didn’t lie. We will see each other, but we probably won’t talk. Even if we share a lunch table, we don’t really speak anymore.

No, the part that confuses me the most isn’t that one. It’s the way we have been signing the emails lately. ‘Love’. It’s the strongest feeling in the world. But it is also a hackneyed greeting. I know how I am using it, but I don’t know how Simon is using it.

 _Simon_ … Even when I think about Jacques, I don’t use his alias anymore. I need to sort this soon because if they end up being two different people, I’m pretty sure that this mix-up makes me a jerk.

I would have loved for our pre-school tradition to be the triggering factor for me to grow more confident and to open myself a bit more to my childhood friends. One in particular. But no. I end up as quiet as ever, still opening myself up to Garrett and no one else.

Garrett doesn’t know about my online romance, but I know he knows that I have feelings for my childhood friend. We never really discussed it, but there are things he said, looks he gave me… He knows. And he is fine with it. More than that, I think that he would be happy for me to get what I want. Or just get the courage to go for what I want regardless of the outcome. Or even simply get to the point where I would talk to him about it. But it’s Garrett and he is pretty laid back. He’ll be there, whenever I’m ready, and he won’t push in the meantime.

After school, I try to talk to him. Make a first step toward what I want. As Garrett and I are walking home from my favorite bookstore that we visit every week and he pretends that he is equally excited about the books I tell him about, I casually say: “I’m looking forward to that movie night with the group.”

“I don’t know if I should make fun of you for being a big nerd who loves superhero movies, of for using ‘looking forward to’ in a casual conversation.”

“Or you could not make fun of me.”

“I could. Instead, I should take the massive bait you just threw out there. Anything you are looking forward to?”

Somehow, the determination I felt only seconds ago melts a little bit and I only half reply. “Just spending time with everyone.”

“Someone in particular in the ‘everyone’?”

Don’t blush. Just don’t blush. “Maybe.”

“Someone in the drama club?”

“Maybe,” I repeat.

“It makes sense. He probably has good insight on actors’ performances.”

I can’t help but smile and relax. I know Garrett would be more serious about this whole conversation if I was less stressed. Instead, he is trying to defuse the tension by being his usual goofy and falsely obnoxious self. But I know he heard what I was trying to say, and I heard his underlying support. He knows I am into Simon, and he approves.

“He probably has,” I agree.

“I think you should sit next to him. Ask him questions during the movie. And after. You live next to each other, so you can continue the conversation on your way home…”

“Maybe… maybe he won’t like me talking to him during the movie. Or… monopolizing him after.”

“I don’t really know that much about whatever happened between you two, but… as much as you seem to like the idea of talking cinema with him, I think he wants that too.”

Once more, I hear the conversation behind the conversation. Could Garrett be right? Is there any part of Simon that wants Bram? If so… I already know that Jacques has a thing for Blue. And I am pretty sure that Jacques is Simon… Then why am I still so nervous about this? Why do I feel like I will never ever be able to go after what I want?

I swear there is a circle of hell that is precisely just being in the situation I’m in right now.

I am sitting right next to Simon. I thought that I could use the time before the movie to talk to him. Make a first step toward dusting up our friendship or something. See if any part of Simon was hostile to me after all this time. Find the confidence to take a second step later or have the proof that we need more time, that I need to work on rebuilding what I destroyed first.

I don’t know which one I was hoping for. Perhaps each other equally.

But I haven’t done any of that. Once again, I barely talked to Simon. Because he came with Anna – and only Anna – and it is so obvious that she is treating this as a date. It is less clear from Simon’s side, but he isn’t really killing her dreams either.

Have I just been wrong this entire time? Is Simon really not Jacques and I have just been projecting my own feelings on my very straight friend? Very spitefully, I think that he can do better than Anna. But that’s just mean. I don’t actually know her and there might be a depth in her that I don’t know and never wanted to see because I am bitter that she got to date Simon. Even if it in an unfair and unjustified feeling, I pretty much hated her since I found out they were dating. Because I already knew she got something I was wishing for with all my heart. When they broke up, I went back to simply disliking her, still very unfairly. But maybe she is a great person and they both would be happy together.

And I guess I want Simon to be happy, even if it’s not with me.

I can feel Simon being a little fidgety next to me. As if he wanted to move but doesn’t dare. Is he preparing some sort of move? Take Anna’s hand in the dark? That’s how romances start, isn’t it?

I try to focus on that movie that I really wanted to watch, but my attention keeps going back to what is happening next to me, worried about that climax more than the one on screen.

Surprisingly, though, when Simon does move, it’s to get up, mumbling something about the toilet, and leaves the room. He doesn’t come back before the credits and I am worried that something happened to him. Should one of us have been to check on him?

But we leave the room, go back to the hall, and there is Simon, apparently having the time of his life with Cal Price. In less than a second, all my hatred for Anna shifts toward Cal. Because as much as Anna seemed interested, Simon was lukewarm at best, now that I think about it. But between them two, all I can see are sparks. So many of them. Enough for me to feel jealousy burn my stomach and my throat.

Simon is gay. Simon might be Jacques. Simon is into a boy. That boy isn’t me.

“We thought you might have been kidnapped,” Leah comments.

“Not enough to come look for me, apparently,” Simon replies, echoing the thought I had just minutes ago. If I did come to look for him, could it be me sitting with him and having the nicest chat? Or could I at least have convinced him to come back inside where I clearly didn’t have any real competition? Or would I have been too late anyway?

“Well… it was a good movie.” Was it? I can’t say I really noticed. My interest wasn’t where it should have been.

“Okay, let’s go eat now,” Leah decides. “I’m starving.”

Yes. Well said. Let’s put an end to that ridiculous fireworks happening in front of us.

But the most awful thing happens. Simon turns to Cal and asks: “Do you want to join your friends or come with us?”

“I’m now twenty minutes late for the movie. I can’t just join now.” Would it be pathetic to try to convince him that it would be ruder to just bail on whoever he came with?

Probably. But that’s not what stops me. I don’t say anything because I am simply not allowed to. If I am not ready to man up and offer Simon a real alternative, I have no business standing between him and happiness.

My resolution lasts until we are sitting at the diner.

Simon sits next to Cal, which makes sense but still annoys me, pulls Leah in before Anna can and I am now wondering how Anna can’t see that he is not interested (which… yeah, I didn’t until half an hour ago but still), and Garrett for some reason, makes me sit on the other side of Cal.

It takes me a few seconds to get why he did that, but he looks at me like an idiot, and asks Cal a question about his family. Oh. I get it. If Cal is talking to someone else, he can’t be talking to Simon. I swallow back all my shyness and ask Cal pretty much everything. I will learn his life off by heart if that means that he only speaks to me tonight. I am simply careful not to ask anything about drama or any other subject Simon might naturally join in.

Cal actually seems nice. If he wasn’t such an unaware crush stealer.

As we are walking to the parking lot, putting an end to this extremely frustrating evening, my conversation with Garrett is interrupted by Simon suddenly saying: “Guys, I need to tell you all something.”

I stop and turn around, almost afraid of what else this evening has in store for me. He blushes at being the center of the attention and that gets me even more nervous.

“Guys, I’m gay.” An intense wave of relief washes over my body. For the briefest moment, I feel on the verge of getting everything I have been dreaming of but was too cowardly to go after. This feeling is however shattered but the look that Cal and Simon exchange. Just like that, the fireworks are back in full force.

Right now, I would give anything for Simon to just look at me the way he looks at him. Or even just look at me. Acknowledge me during his coming out. Stop looking at another boy when he is saying some of the words I have been waiting for forever. I need Simon to look at me and soothe the sharp pain in my stomach.

But he is still looking at Cal with the softest, most serene smile on his face as Morgan says: “Hum… Simon, we’re all happy for you, but you really needed to tell us that in the middle of a random sidewalk?”

“Sometimes it just comes out,” Cal says and I want to punch him. “I told my mom that I was bisexual when we were queuing at the supermarket,” he adds and it feels like he punched me.

I feel Garrett’s eyes on me but I can’t look at him. I am too busy looking at Cal and Simon having the most intimate silent conversation ever. I think they pretty much just asked each other out. And said yes.

I walk just enough ahead so I can’t hear the conversation between Simon and Cal. I have witnessed enough of their blooming romance for one evening. Forever, really.

I am so focused on not listening, and especially not looking their way as they are lingering by Simon’s car, that I am completely surprised when Garrett says: “Right Bram?”

“What?”

“Your curfew. You can’t come to Brad’s with me and Nick, right?”

“Oh. No,” I reply in autopilot mode, not knowing which curfew he is talking about or what the hell we would be doing at Brad’s anyway.

“Then you should ask Simon if he could give you a ride home.”

Usually, I would love Garrett for being my wingman, but right now the last thing I want is to be in a small place with Simon as he is draped in a happiness that’s killing me. But I also don’t want tonight to be his first kiss with Cal and it seems that the best way to achieve that is to tactlessly impose.

“Simon?” Simon finally looks at me and, in his eyes, the only thing I can see in them is a profound wish that I would disappear.

“What?”

“Leah is taking Anna and Morgan home, Nick and Garrett are going to Brad’s to test some new game. Could you give me a ride home?”

“Sure.” I’m pretty sure he was desperately trying to come up with something else. “Do you need a ride too?” he asks Cal.

“No, my car is just over there. But thanks. I guess I’ll see you at school.” I like Cal just a little better right now.

The ride home is ridiculously quiet. We are all mad at each other, I guess, and I am trying really hard not to see that Simon is the only one entitled to feeling that way. I am the one who knows the full story, I am the one who ghosted him, I am the one who said no when Jacques asked to meet. I should be mad at myself more than him.

When Simon finally talks to me, he asks: “Do you want me to go around to your house or are you fine going through the garden?”

“As your dad says ‘he didn’t reduce the value of his house so us kids would use front doors’,” I reply, in a vain attempt to bring a childhood memory to start a conversation between us. But nothing comes from Simon and after he parks his car, there is still nothing but an awkward silence.

I count to ten. If he invites me in, I will say yes and I will tell him everything. I get to ten and he still hasn’t said a word. Fine. I get it. He doesn’t want me around. Jacques is tired to wait for Blue and Simon wants Cal. I need to let him go. That is the only decent thing to do.

“Bram, I…” Simon starts at the same time that I say “I’ll see you Monday.” I could wait and listen to what he has to say but I don’t. He isn’t looking at me, he is uncomfortable, and I am doing that to him. I just can’t be here anymore. So I leave the car and walk around the block to get home although it would have been so much quicker to just go around Simon’s house and through my garden. Even that was too much to handle.

I feel empty. Emptier than I ever thought I could feel.

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Aug 16 at 9:02 PM

SUBJECT: Feeling blue

Blue,

I came out to my friends today. I know I should feel proud. It went quite well. But I feel like I did it for all the wrong reasons and I just feel empty. Not just about that, though. Today just hasn’t been a good day.

I think you are the only person on the planet who could cheer me up.

Can you cheer me up?

Preferably by telling me we can meet.

Can we meet?

Please?

Simon.

His email confuses me. Today didn’t go well. Why? He was so happy with Cal earlier. And why does he regret his coming out? What does he mean by ‘wrong reasons’?

And he needs me… That could fill me with joy. He felt down, felt _blue_ , and came to me rather than Cal. But the truth is Simon doesn’t want me. Simon doesn’t even look at me.

Simon. His name. Not his alias. Was it on purpose or the mistake I have myself been terrified of doing more than once?

‘Can we meet?’ I could say yes and get out of this misery I’ve stuck us in. Finally know if Simon would want Bram as much as Jacques wants Blue. Except I don’t need that. I already know. Simon is expecting fireworks. Bigger than the ones with Cal.

And we clearly don’t have that.

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Aug 16 at 9:58 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Feeling blue

Simon,

We did meet. And there have been clues. So many clues. I think… I think if you were interested, you would have worked it out.

I don’t think you like me – the real me – as much as you think you would.

But I’m sure things will work out fine for you.

Blue.

That night, for the first time in forever, I cry myself to sleep.

School is even more awkward than before. Simon looks at me more regularly, but not the way I wished. He looks hurt and confused every time and this is definitely not what I wanted to achieve. I still can’t bring myself to talk to him. I need to lick my wounds for a bit first. Anna is compensating slightly too much for the humiliation she only partially dodged.

What surprises me, though, is that there doesn’t seem to be any progress between Cal and Simon. Quite the opposite.

Why?

Simon emailed a few times this weekend. Maybe the answer is in there somewhere. I don’t know. I didn’t open any of those. I need a clean break. I can’t let him go if I am under the impression that there is still a bond between us.

_Now that I have a family._

It’s that sentence, more than him leaving me behind all over again that hurts. Did he not feel the need to move to Arizona when he had me? Has he always known that Mom and I wouldn’t be his family forever? Will he love that new child more than me? Maybe not now, but how about when he will have spent more time living with him than me? When he won’t have had to share his education with someone he doesn’t love anymore…

Oh, God… he stopped loving Mom, didn’t he? Does that mean he is going to stop loving me? Had he already? I know I am his son and he will always _love_ me in a family type of way, but… the type of love that comes from having a bond with someone and wanting to spend time with them and taking an interest int heir life… Is that going to go? Is that gone already? What about when he is in Arizona, I am still here? It’s not like I will have the time to visit that often and I know he won’t visit. He never does. Only for Hanukkah and even then it’s in a hotel halfway.

Is it because he can’t be bothered or do my parents dislike each other that much? Or out of respect for Mom’s religion? Something he wants to share with only me? Next year, he will share that with his new family in Arizona.

Or am I just being childish and unreasonable?

I only realize that it’s raining when I hear footsteps approaching. I hope this isn’t going to be a really odd situation where some parent is going to weirdly stare at me for sitting under a child playhouse like it happened to Simon and me once.

But no. This isn’t anything awkward. Or maybe it is, but it is the kind of awkward I would welcome any day. Somehow, that feels right, having Simon here in our little safe place. We overcame many heartaches here. Just the two of us.

What is he even doing here? I know it’s for me. I can tell from the way he is looking at me. Because, yes, Simon is finally looking at _me_ and it feels like the world.

“Room for me?”

“Probably not,” I reply, but I move anyway hoping that he will join anyway. He does. It’s definitely tighter than when we were kids. His body is pressed against mine, warm, and I just want to snuggle closer.

“I brought you a spare hoodie. It too big for me so I think it will fit you.”

“Thanks.” I take the hoodie but I don’t put it on. It would mean moving away from Simon, back into the cold, and putting some effort into something. I can’t be bothered to do any of that.

“I also have coffee but I’m an idiot and I left it in the car. Do you want me to go get it?”

“No, I… Can you just stay here for a bit?” Coffee sounds nice, but I’m afraid that if Simon stands up, he won’t ever sit next to me again and I am not ready to let that go. I won’t be greedy, I promise, just… just a little while longer.

“Of course.” We are silent for a moment and I focus on the rain. The sound, the sight, the smell, the feeling… All senses full of it short of the taste. Then Simon asks: “Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s stupid.”

“More than getting an F?” I almost smile at that. I really felt like my world was collapsing that day. I stopped worrying when Simon told me that he had an F before, looking almost ashamed, and I remember thinking that if someone could get an F and still be as wonderful as Simon, then it wasn’t a reflection on who you are as a person. Just something that happens.

But the smile doesn’t pierce that much because thinking about why I am here suddenly makes me more emotional than numb.

“My dad is moving to Arizona.”

“Oh.” He sounds like it is not what he was expecting but that he also gets it, somehow.

“Yeah. My stepmom is pregnant and he wants to move closer to his parents now that he is going to have a family.”

“I’m sure it’s not the reason.”

“He said it.” I suddenly wish I could have a dad like Simon, who makes dad jokes, saw the garden fence, and is always there with such an obvious love and devotion to his children. To his wife. To his family. If they got a divorce, I think that Jack would still respect Emily. And he would still love his children just the same.

“Bram…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay.” But I can feel that Simon is uncomfortable. Fidgety. Maybe he doesn’t want to be here. “Bram, what happened between us?”

“What?”

“Why aren’t we friends anymore?”

“We are friends.”

“You know what I mean.”

I do know what he means. I simply didn’t want to have to admit it. Because once Simon rejects me, then I cannot hope anymore. And why would Simon want me? Even my own father doesn’t. “I just didn’t know how to be around you,” I awkwardly say.

“Have I done something? Could I have worked it out? Or… is it because I’m gay?”

“I had no idea you were gay.” Although I ardently wished.

“Then what?”

“When we were in eighth grade, I realized that I… Simon, you weren’t just my best friend. I had a crush on you.”

If I had told Simon that I could prove that the sky is red, he wouldn’t have looked any more surprised. “You… what?”

“We were together all the time, and… I realized that I was gay and that I probably wanted more. You were confusing so I stopped spending time with just you. But it wasn’t enough and even with Nick and Leah, you were the only one I saw.”

“Bram… is that why you didn’t show last year?”

This is not exactly what I would like for him to focus him, but that is fair. I probably need to apologize for that. “Yeah. Because last year I didn’t have a crush on you.”

“That makes no sense.”

Yes, my phrasing was awful and it didn’t convey my point very clearly. Let’s try again, win or lose. “Simon, I love you.”

It feels so incredibly freeing to have finally said it. Somehow, I think I could even handle rejection. Because the truth is finally out there, I don’t have to be nervous, I don’t have to be a coward, I don’t have to stay away from him _just in case_.

I turn to Simon to see his reaction and he is suddenly on his feet, looking more excited than the time Nick, Leah, and I baked him an Oreo cake for his birthday.

“Oh! Oh! The pregnant stepmom and the good at school, and the everything

The wave of relief that washes over me is unprecedented, unexpected, and almost violent. But it is such a welcomed feeling.

“It’s you, isn’t it?” He sounds so hopeful. I could almost cry.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you.”

“You should do it.”

“Do what?”

“You know what!”

It takes me a few more seconds to connect the dots back to that email. I can feel the smile spread on my face as I ask: “Simon, do you want to go to Prom with me?”

I genuinely thought he would say yes. He isn’t nearly cruel enough to tell me that just in order to turn me down. But he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he starts crying.

I jump to my feet and take his face between my hands – an unthinkable thing just hours ago – and ask: “Hey, Simon… are you okay?” Did I do that? Not by making him sad right now, but… is it Simon releasing years of tension due to me shutting him out? Have I made him as unhappy as I made myself?

He looks up at me and his teary eyes look more like the moon than ever. For one second, I am lost in how beautiful he looks and how relieved I am that he is finally looking at me and _seeing_ me. The real me.

“Yeah, it’s just… It’s been four years, Bram. If we had just talked about it…”

He just confirmed that I did that to him, didn’t he? How does one apologize for that? “I know. I’m sorry, I just thought… I wasn’t ready for this four years ago, and then I thought that it would cost our friendship, and then we lost that anyway and why would you be interested even if you were gay, then there was Jacques, and when I realized he was you… I was afraid you’d resent me for pulling away and lying…”

“I could never resent you,” Simon says and another wave of relief washes over me. “You were my best friend, Bram. Actually, if we include Blue, you still are. And I… I could never resent you.”

“So you’ll come to Prom with me?” I ask, feeling happier and lighter than I have in a long time.

“It depends.”

“Oh?”

“I always hope I would go to Prom with my boyfriend. Would you like to be my boyfriend?”

“I don’t think there is anything else I’d want more right now…”

We smile at each other like idiots for a long time. I know that Simon’s hoodie is getting wet and I sort of want that coffee now that I can feel the cold, I also need to let my mother know that I am fine, but none of that matters now. Not even my father happily building the family of his dreams without me. The only things that matter are Simon, his eyes on me, and the fireworks happening between us, much brighter than the ones I witnessed between him and Cal.

Then Simon speaks again and my hear explodes. “I love you too, Bram.” I don’t think I’ll ever stop smiling. And still, it is nothing in comparison to what happens when Simon presses his lips against mine. I feel week and strong, hot and cold, calm and excited… My arms wrap around him and I hold him tight, using the warmth of his body to fight the chill of the rain.

When I get home, my mom isn’t mad. That is almost a terrifying thought. Did I scare her that much, or does she pity me that much? And it is not even one of those moments when she seems calm but I know the storm is coming. She genuinely seems relieved and relaxed.

“Mom, I’m sorry.”

“Bram, I understand that you needed time to process what happened, but you cannot disappear like that. You need to either tell me where you are going or take your phone with you.”

“I promise. I am sorry.”

“I know you are. It’s fine now. You’re alright and it’s all that matters… Do you want to talk about your father?”

“No,” I truthfully reply. I am not upset anymore. My father and I won’t ever have the relationship I would have hoped. But I have a truly outstanding mother and that is more than some. And, now, I also have Simon. Friend, pen pal, prom date, and boyfriend. I know I will feel down again when I come down from the high of my first kiss, but right now I am fine.

“Okay. Just let me know if you need anything. In the meantime, please get out of your wet clothes and go take a shower.”

“Yes, Mom.” It actually sounds perfect right now.

But as I leave the room, she asks: “I saw that Simon dropped you off.”

“Yes.”

“Are you two friends again?”

“Not exactly.” I am not trying to be mysterious, I just don’t know how to tell her.

She sighs. “You used to be such good friends. And he is a very nice boy. I just wish the two of you would kiss and make up already.”

And here is my opening. “Yes, Mom… About that…”

**Author's Note:**

> [Sequel here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29449710)


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